Random Thoughts

i was glad that i had a chance to go on leave, even if it was for three days only.  especially after my staff conference.  hay pagod!  i was able to sleep, sleep, and sleep.  i also had a chance to watch a lot of tv, especially the news and pester my neice. on the last day of my leave, i was able to spend the afternoon at my favorite place in all of metro manila, UP diliman. yeah, yeah, it’s like, kapit bahay ko sya.  but it is not that often that i have the time to sit around the sunken garden and watch people going around the campus.  it was such a treat, high school students were going around the campus, looking for their testing rooms for the UPCAT.  you can see the usual signs posted around the campus for the directions.  has it been that long since i took UPCAT.  i smile upon their eager faces as they asked me where they would find this and that building.  also, i love hanging out in the campus when it is a lot less populated, like sunday afternoons and school holidays.  it really made me miss my carefree college days.  hay, if i can just go back.  but i cannot, it wouldn’t be the same, i guess.  i can just smile at those memories and continue my aimless wandering.  i ended up going to my favorite spot, the track oval behind the bahay ng alumni.  it’s the perfect place to watch the sun set.  it has this calming effect on me.

there are a lot of better places where i could have spent those three days but it’s enough for me, for now.  until my next BRP session. 

i have found out lately that God works in different ways to make you realize that your problems are not as big as you think they are. on my way home one night, i chanced upon a man with his kid on the street asking people for change so he and his kid can go home to tarlac. my heart went out to the kid who was fast asleep in the arms of his father who still has to figure out how they can go home. it was 7 pm and this kid should have be at home having dinner. i found out that they had a follow-up consult at the OPD and they had no money left after having their laboratories done. they lived in tarlac and the father wanted to all the labs done so when they wouldn’t have to come back. call me stupid or whatever, i gave all the cash that i had in my wallet. don’t worry it wasn’t much. it made me think that i’m still lucky. compared to them, my problems seemed trivial. but then again, what makes a problem big anyway? the problem being my problem makes it BIG, ok. but i’m still lucky. it made me realize that i may have things bothering me every minute but i have a lot of other things that i should be thankful for. i’m healthy, have my family,and i have friends who are by my side no matter what. and for that i thank the Lord. nuff said.

Love, love is strange
Many people take it for a game
Once you’ve had it you’re in an awful fix
‘Cause after you’ve had it you never wanna quit
A lot of people, they don’t understand
They think lovin’ is money in their hand
Your sweet lovin’ is better than a kiss
When you leave me those kisses I will miss

Love, oh woh, love is strange
Many people, oh woh, take it for a game
Once you’ve had it, oh woh, you’re in an awful fix
‘Cause after you’ve had it, oh woh, you never wanna quit
A lot of people, woh woh, they don’t understand
They think lovin’, oh woh, is money in their hand
Your sweet lovin’, oh woh, is better than a kiss
When you leave me, oh woh, those kisses I will miss
When you leave me, oh woh, those kisses I will miss
Those kisses I will miss, those kisses I will miss
Those kisses I will miss

i’ve been having these ‘BLAH’ days recently.  due to its increasing frequency, one can readily conclude that it’s been extending considerably into weeks, without any respite.  oh, i would still have moments when i can find things funny or amusing or find something to make me smile.  but there is absolutely nothing that is enough to tide me over.  i’ve been losing the drive for everything i do.  i have been going through the motions of my daily life with so much effort that it is making me so tired.  i guess that’s why depressed people sleep so much.  is this depression?  could be, possibly.  but i don’t think it is clinical yet.  my heart is not into what i’m doing or into life in general.  i have been trying to find respite or a place of comfort, however i came up with none.  no, i’m not into taking my life into my own hands.  i just wanted to get out of this routine, this environment.  i think i badly need to have a few days off, take a leave, get out of this place.  i think i need to rethink my options.  i have placed myself in a difficult spot.  i honestly don’t know whether to continue or to stop. 

i still want to be a doctor, to be an obstetrician.  i still want to interact with patients, be able to help them with their problems, be a witness to the smiles they give you when you have finally relieved them of that menstrual problem, abdominal pain, or even that itchiness down there that has been bothering them for months.  i still want to see patients on their prenatal checkups, do C-sections, perform vaginal deliveries, make rounds on my patients.  i just don’t know if everything else that comes with everything i mentioned would be worth the trouble.  i am complaining here, let us make that clear, but i am not putting the blame on someone else.  this is my struggle, my issue.  i know that everything would be telling me, that i’m already in the middle of my training, it would be a waste if i turn back now.  i have invested so much already. 

i really don’t know, it’s all muddled up inside.  i can’t think of a way to sort everything out, to someone entangle this mess.  it seems that the more i try, the more i mess it up.  for now, i let it be.  i go through everyday as if i’m a robot.  doing what i have to do mechanically without feeling or thought into my job.  i know that i would have to put a stop to it eventually.  i am bound to hurt myself or worse, cost me another person’s life if i continue like this.  i honestly don’t know where this would lead me or what will happen to me.  the more pressing question is if i am willing to pay for whatever decision would cost me.  i know that there would always be options given to us.  i know that in the long run, things would not be like this.  i just don’t know how much more i can take. 

i am not trying to pass the burden to whoever is going to read this.  i don’t wish to be free from my daily personal struggles for i am well aware that eventually these will make me a strong and better person.  i just hope it won’t make me bitter in the end. 

i don’t want to sound like i am preaching or anything, i just wanted to get this out of my system.

let us be conscientious of the things we do and of the words that come out of our mouth.  let us be reminded that our words and actions affect the people around us.  i have learned this the hard way and has caused me a few heartaches.

you may say that it could be their own problem if take it offensively or whatever smart aleck remark we all say.  but the thing is, everybody is fighting a hard struggle as it is, let us learn to be kind.:-) 

i was having dinner with a friend and he was ranting on and on about his job.  he said a line which really stuck to me.  ‘hindi lang naman tayo nagtatrabaho para kumita’.  God, it got me really thinking about my job. 

i’m a resident in training in PGH. everyday, i always complain about it.  how my patients don’t have enough funds to buy their medicines, about how hard it is working and studying at the same time, about how hard it is to wake up early everyday to do rounds before 7 am, about how stubborn my patients can be, about how i cannot go home early on a postduty day, about the little salary we get every month, and about a million other things.  i can complain about everything and anything about my job. my friends and family could attest to that.  you would ask me then, why stay when you don’t seem to be happy where you are now?  ohh, i really don’t know.  it could be because i know this is where i can get the best training i could have or i could not imagine doing any other job than this one.  it’s a different feeling when i’m in the OR or when i’m delivering our pregnant patients, or when my patients simply tells you, ‘thank you po, doktora’, or when you see your previously toxic patients on follow-up at the OPD clinic looking healthy and beautiful.  i still cannot explain it even now. 

i still complain every chance i get.  everyday, i still want to quit and just go home.  and everyday, i convince myself that this is all temporary.  eventually, the things i complain about will pass and something even bigger will come for me to complain about.  i do pray that in time, there will more things to thank about this job than there is more to complain.   

Almighty God, Thou has created the human body with infinite wisdom.
Ten thousand times ten thousand organs hast Thou combined in it that act unceasingly and harmoniously to preserve the whole in all its
beauty the body which is the envelope of the immortal soul. They are ever acting in perfect order, agreement and accord.

Yet, when the frailty of matter or the unbridling of passions deranges this order or interrupts this accord, then forces clash and the body
crumbles into the primal dust from which it came. Thou sendest to man diseases as beneficent messengers to foretell approaching danger and
to urge him to avert it.

Thou has blest Thine earth, Thy rivers and Thy mountains with healing substances; they enable Thy creatures to alleviate their sufferings
and to heal their illnesses. Thou hast endowed man with the wisdom to relieve the suffering of his brother, to recognize his disorders, to
extract the healing substances, to discover their powers and to prepare and to apply them to suit every ill. In Thine Eternal Providence Thou hast chosen me to watch over the life and health of
Thy creatures. I am now about to apply myself to the duties of my profession.

Support me, Almighty God, in these great labors that they may benefit mankind, for without Thy help not even the least thing will succeed.

Inspire me with love for my art and for Thy creatures. Do not allow thirst for profit, ambition for renown and admiration, to interfere
with my profession, for these are the enemies of truth and of love for mankind and they can lead astray in the great task of attending to the
welfare of Thy creatures. Preserve the strength of my body and of my soul that they ever be ready to cheerfully help and support rich and
poor, good and bad, enemy as well as friend. In the sufferer let me see only the human being. Illumine my mind that it recognize what presents itself and that it may comprehend what is absent or hidden.
Let it not fail to see what is visible, but do not permit it to arrogate to itself the power to see what cannot be seen, for delicate and indefinite are the bounds of the great art of caring for the lives and health of Thy creatures. Let me never be absent-minded. May no strange thoughts divert my attention at the bedside of the sick, or disturb my mind in its silent labors, for great and sacred are the thoughtful deliberations required to preserve the lives and health of Thy creatures.

Grant that my patients have confidence in me and my art and follow my directions and my counsel. Remove from their midst all charlatans and
the whole host of officious relatives and know-all nurses, cruel people who arrogantly frustrate the wisest purposes of our art and often lead Thy creatures to their death.

Should those who are wiser than I wish to improve and instruct me, let my soul gratefully follow their guidance; for vast is the extent of our art. Should conceited fools, however, censure me, then let love for my profession steel me against them, so that I remain steadfast without regard for age, for reputation, or for honor, because
surrender would bring to Thy creatures sickness and death.

Imbue my soul with gentleness and calmness when older colleagues,proud of their age, wish to displace me or to scorn me or disdainfully to teach me. May even this be of advantage to me, for they know many things of which I am ignorant, but let not their arrogance give me pain. For they are old and old age is not master of the passions. I also hope to attain old age upon this earth, before Thee, Almighty God!

Let me be contented in everything except in the great science of my profession. Never allow the thought to arise in me that I have attained to sufficient knowledge, but vouchsafe to me the strength, the leisure and the ambition ever to extend my knowledge. For art is great, but the mind of man is ever expanding.

Almighty God! Thou hast chosen me in Thy mercy to watch over the life and death of Thy creatures. I now apply myself to my profession.Support me in this great task so that it may benefit mankind, for without Thy help not even the least thing will succeed.

Got the chance to try out scuba diving. Yipee! Went to anilao with a diver friend without any intention of trying out diving. I tagged along to go to the beach, to relax, get a tan, and to basically get out of my immediate environment, the hospital. I finally gave in and mustered up the courage to try something new.

Before we went into the water, I got a lecture about the basics, the equipment, how to equalize the pressure in your ears with your environment, the hand signals, things you have to remember, the things you have to watch out for, etc. We then went into the water and we practiced breathing through the regulator a few times before they took me out into much deeper waters. This dive was basically worry-free, somebody would be holding from behind all the time and would basically do the diving for me. All I had to worry about is to breathe right and enjoy the ride. The view underwater was spectacular. Fishes of different colors, blue starfishes, corals of different sizes, oh yeah, and trash. Believe me, candy wrappers, paper, plastic containers, etc. The view was enough to make you want to stay there. Seeing the pictures from National Geographic and Discovery Channel, what I’ve seen would not even come close to what professional divers get to see in their dives. It gave a different kind of high which I couldn’t point my finger to. I can’t stop smiling in fact which is not really evident in the pictures. It was a good thing that I had somebody taking my pictures. I had documentation of something I wouldn’t think I would be doing.

I would want to try it again but I guess not in the near future. My job doesn’t afford me the luxury to try out a new hobby that would require taking classes and making time. My job owns me. Hay! Don’t I wish I had a different job. Anyway, thank you Greg for making me do it. 

neon shines through smoky eyes tonight

it’s 2 am, i’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind

i could never love again so much as i loved you

where you end where i begin is like a river going through

take my eyes take my heart i need them no more

if never again they fall upon the one i so adore

excuse me please one more drink

could you make it strong cause i don’t need to think

she broke my heart my grace is gone

one more drink and i’ll move on

one drink to remember then another to forget

how could i ever dream to find sweet love like you again

one drink to remember another to forget

excuse me please one more drink

could you make it strong cause i don’t need to thinl

she broke my heart my grace is gone

one more drink and i’ll move on….

don’t you just hate it when you realize that somehow you have become the worst version of yourself? a patient of our service just died and i was actually happy that she died.  on my way down from PACU, i just realized that i was happy at the fact  that our patient died without even realizing that she is someone’s daughter, sister, and friend, that she mattered to the people around her, that someone thinks the world of her, that she is just like me.  i really hated my self for being happy.  i hated the fact that i was happy because i can go home early.  i didn”t realize that her family would be mourning their loss, that her family still has to accept the fact that a few hours ago, they were still able to talk to her. 

how did that happen?  how come all of a sudden, i’ve become a person who places her own personal convenience over the life of someone.  do i deserve to be here? is this job for me when in fact i think i have become the worst version of myself?