Random Thoughts

people have different ways of coping with stress. some do drugs, some drink themselves into a stupor, some watch movies, some read, some immerse themselves in their hobbies, whatever that might be, and some feign insanity. but for me, it is the television. yep. the tube has been my constant companion after the boards, more likely after my preres stint in pgh was over. watching television has provided me with the much needed brain coma after everything i went through. and the thought of going through all of that again makes me want to spend my entire life in front of the tv. the good thing about spending time in front of the tv is that whenever a show gets boring you can easily switch channels. you really don’t have to think much. you just have to sit back, open your eyes, and let it take you wherever. no thinking required. such heaven. and if it gets too heavy or too mushy or too whatever for you, just get that remote control and change the channel. sana ganun kadali ang buhay.
and you might ask… ano naman ang magiging problema ko? hehe. marami! (diba chang?)

two days ago, a text message woke me up. it was from one of my co-preres informing me that she received a call from the department telling her that she got accepted. i texted my other co-preres to ask them if they also got the call. all of them did, and i did not. god, it really sent me into panic attacks. what if i was not accepted? what will i do then? i did not have any plan b. i did not dare call the department dahil nakakahiya naman for the secretary to tell me na hindi nga ako natanggap. so i waited. well, i finally got that call. when the secretary asked me if i was confirming my slot, i honestly did not know what to say. well, i did say yes. i had to, having no plan b and all. but now, i am really scared at the thought of going into residency. di ko alam kung tatagal ako.
it’s weird that after years of telling everybody of your plans after med school, when you are finally confronted by that fact all you wanted to do is run away. i don’t know which would have been better, not being accepted or being accepted. it really would have been easy if wala ka na nga lang choice.

now that i have a lot of time on my hands, i really don’t know if it is quite working out for me. it is really making me crazy! i’m supposed to be relaxing, spending loads of time in front of the TV or surfing the net, going places except pgh, and not to think of anything. but everything i see around me reminds me of my future and that sends me into pondering on the numerous what if’s in my mind. believe me, it’s weird that after passing the boards, life became suddenly complicated. you realize that the decisions that you have to make would be really affecting your future. really freaked me out. having lots of time to ponder on things going on in my life right now is really making me crazy. i have decided to basically put my life on hold. i’m allowing my self to be taken by some divine force out there, hoping it leads me to the right direction.

i am currently reading this book. at one point, a character was asking herself questions that have supposedly no answers. one example, why is the color yellow a cheerful color? wala nga bang sagot? can you guys think of any more of such questions?

i saw him at a mall. while i was walking in the department store, everybody around me started running. when i looked up to see where everybody was running to, i saw one of the most beautiful faces i ever saw. i swear! i stood rooted to the floor. i could not move much less even talk. starstruck? nah, i don’t think so. di ko nga na-realize na artista sya. the second time was again at a mall. this time nobody was running towards him. he was just walking…ALONE! ha, must be my chance. nah, i’m really not that brave.
i must be developing this stupid crush on some artista. probably. but no, don’t get me wrong. i am not plotting ways of actually meeting him in person. i have no delusions that he will realize that we are meant to be together the moment we meet. i am still grounded. and i really don’t want to meet him. that bit about meeting him is just a joke. baka hindi ako makapagsalita pag nasa harapan ko na sya! shucks, nakakahiya!

I was watching Under The Tuscan Sun a few days ago. There was this guy telling Diane Lane about how they built these tracks over some mountain range even though there was still no train to run through those tracks. Faith. It was faith that made them do it, the belief that in the future the train would come and it did come. There are things in our lives that we just have to believe in even if it seems impossible. Can i make it through four years of residency training? Will i become a great doctor someday? Will this relationship last? Can i make it through this hell i’m going through right now? It is with blind faith that we push forward and decide to continue our life. And of course, with the help of our friends and family.

I recently finished pre-residency training for Ob-gyne in PGH. People were constantly asking me how was it. Well, what would you expect. First year residency in Ob-gyne is like first year residency in surgery. TOXIC! During duty, expect the worst. Hindi ka makakain, puro kalyo na paa at kamay mo, at hindi ka makatulog even just for a few minutes. Masarap mag-BRP! Every morning, i was debating whether papasok pa ba ako or hindi. But then, maiisip mo, what else would you do, so you end up going to summary rounds. Actually, maraming choices. Pwede kang mag-MLE or mag-apply sa ibang hospital. Before graduating from med school, it was just PGH for me. Pero ngayon, maraming options, minsan mapapaisip ka talaga kung tama ba ang ginagawa mo. After 3 weeks of pre-residency training, i realized only 1 thing, i really want to become an obstetrician. Ang tanong saan - PGH, another government hospital, sa private hospital, o sa US?