Random Thoughts

don’t you just hate it when you realize that somehow you have become the worst version of yourself? a patient of our service just died and i was actually happy that she died.  on my way down from PACU, i just realized that i was happy at the fact  that our patient died without even realizing that she is someone’s daughter, sister, and friend, that she mattered to the people around her, that someone thinks the world of her, that she is just like me.  i really hated my self for being happy.  i hated the fact that i was happy because i can go home early.  i didn”t realize that her family would be mourning their loss, that her family still has to accept the fact that a few hours ago, they were still able to talk to her. 

how did that happen?  how come all of a sudden, i’ve become a person who places her own personal convenience over the life of someone.  do i deserve to be here? is this job for me when in fact i think i have become the worst version of myself?