i’ve been having these ‘BLAH’ days recently. due to its increasing frequency, one can readily conclude that it’s been extending considerably into weeks, without any respite. oh, i would still have moments when i can find things funny or amusing or find something to make me smile. but there is absolutely nothing that is enough to tide me over. i’ve been losing the drive for everything i do. i have been going through the motions of my daily life with so much effort that it is making me so tired. i guess that’s why depressed people sleep so much. is this depression? could be, possibly. but i don’t think it is clinical yet. my heart is not into what i’m doing or into life in general. i have been trying to find respite or a place of comfort, however i came up with none. no, i’m not into taking my life into my own hands. i just wanted to get out of this routine, this environment. i think i badly need to have a few days off, take a leave, get out of this place. i think i need to rethink my options. i have placed myself in a difficult spot. i honestly don’t know whether to continue or to stop.
i still want to be a doctor, to be an obstetrician. i still want to interact with patients, be able to help them with their problems, be a witness to the smiles they give you when you have finally relieved them of that menstrual problem, abdominal pain, or even that itchiness down there that has been bothering them for months. i still want to see patients on their prenatal checkups, do C-sections, perform vaginal deliveries, make rounds on my patients. i just don’t know if everything else that comes with everything i mentioned would be worth the trouble. i am complaining here, let us make that clear, but i am not putting the blame on someone else. this is my struggle, my issue. i know that everything would be telling me, that i’m already in the middle of my training, it would be a waste if i turn back now. i have invested so much already.
i really don’t know, it’s all muddled up inside. i can’t think of a way to sort everything out, to someone entangle this mess. it seems that the more i try, the more i mess it up. for now, i let it be. i go through everyday as if i’m a robot. doing what i have to do mechanically without feeling or thought into my job. i know that i would have to put a stop to it eventually. i am bound to hurt myself or worse, cost me another person’s life if i continue like this. i honestly don’t know where this would lead me or what will happen to me. the more pressing question is if i am willing to pay for whatever decision would cost me. i know that there would always be options given to us. i know that in the long run, things would not be like this. i just don’t know how much more i can take.
i am not trying to pass the burden to whoever is going to read this. i don’t wish to be free from my daily personal struggles for i am well aware that eventually these will make me a strong and better person. i just hope it won’t make me bitter in the end.
