Random Thoughts

whenever i see little kids, i cannot help but think, ‘buti pa sila walang iniintindi sa buhay.  basta nakakain sila at nakakapaglaro, wala nang problema’.  when did life get so complicated?  how come suddenly i’m supposed to be an adult with loads of responsibility?  can i make it stop even for a while to get my bearings, just so i can catch up?  can i take a breather for a while?  can i be a kid again? i can think of a lot of places where i would rather be right now. how i wish to wake up tomorrow without anything to worry about. 

a lot has been going on in my life right now, even i cannot keep up with all of them. i feel that i am fast becoming a spectator of my life. things have been happening around me without me being aware of them. even if i am aware that certain areas in my life need my attention, i cannot bring myself to give that much needed attention and i don’t know why. maybe i hope that it will take care of itself or maybe i’m just too tired to care. i really don’t know what i really want right now. i don’t know if i need some time off from everything and have a chance to view everything from different perspectives and then re-evaluate or just immerse myself into it and let’s just see what happens in the end. i have no idea. i’m tired. it would have been easier if you wouldn’t be given the options.

ayoko na magreklamo. pagod na ako. nagiging robot na lang ako. tama ba yon? ewan. basta sunod na lang ako ng sunod. gawa na lang ng gawa. yes, ma’m na lang ang laging lumalabas sa bibig ko. kapag pinapagalitan or tinotoxic ka pasok sa isang tenga labas sa kabila. nagkakaroon na ng permanenteng tunnel sa pagitan ng dalawang tenga ko. konti na lang siguro bato na talaga ako. pagkain na nga lang ang reward mo, di mo pa magawang mag-enjoy. kakaupo mo pa lang sa kitchen para kumain, naririnig mo nang tinatawag ka. di mo na nga alam kung paano hahatiin ang sarili mo, mapapagalitan ka pa na parang di mo ginagawa ang trabaho mo. hay! eto na ang buhay na pinasok ko. wala na akong magagawa. sorry guys, i just came from a 48-hour duty, on my birthday.

mahirap talaga maghanap ng maayos na senior. hay! yuck, sound feeling pero totoo. i know na mahirap ang training sa pinasok ko na residency. but do we have to make it even harder by being impossible people. i have this senior who struts her ass around ordering all of us her juniors. she just sits there and starts barking out orders to all her juniors. she doesn’t care if we are doing something else, you have to do what she tells you. even the most simplest things that she can do herself, she will tell you to do it.
nakakainis talaga. and to think di pa talaga sya ganap na senior. all of the people around her are talking about her sudden change in attitude. the nurses even confided in me na nagbago na nga raw sya and warned me not to be like her.
it is really sad when this happens. bakit may mga taong pinapabayaang umakyat sa ulo nila ang pagiging senior. buti na nga lang nakikita ko na yan ngayon pa lang. i swear! i could not let that happen to me.

i’m starting residency on MONDAY!!!!!! syet! just thinking about it fills me with panic. my time will not be my own for the next four years. i will have to give priority to my patients instead of loved ones who also needs me. i will spend my first year doing my job, doing other people’s job, and working my ass to please my seniors. parang ang dali. but then we have to factor in ung PMS ng mga seniors mo. hay buhay!

at least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you
at least 15 people in this world love you in some way
the only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you
a smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you
every night someone thing about you before they go to sleep
you mean the world to someone
if not for you, someone may not be living
you are special and unique
someone that you don’t even know exists loves you
when you make the biggest mistakes ever, something good comes out from it
when you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look, you most likely turned you back on the world
when you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won’t get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you’ll get it
always remember the compliments you received, forget about the rude remarks
always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know
if you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

i have this habit of poring over pictures of my friends’ kids. i got hooked on those ahhh moments. seeing them happy and content. like they can not ask for more. i wish i too had a baby. i want to be able to see their first smile, step, tooth, and other million firsts. i want to come home everyday and have that child greet you at the door. i can’t wait for that afternoon of their first day in school and have them tell you how their day went. i want to read them bed time stories. i want to tuck them in bed at night. i want to watch them sleep. i want to take them to UP sunken garden during sundays and play with them. i want play with them in the rain. i want to see them sing their hearts out when they sing with jasmine, ariel, belle, aurora, or pocahontas while watching those disney videos. i want to see them imitate what barney is doing when they sing and dance. i want them to show me the paper where they first wrote their name. i want to receive that valentines’ or christmas card their teacher made them make at school.
the task of rearing a child must not be all joy, it does come with its downside. but i guess the joys overshadows everything else that makes it so worthwhile. a lot of people tell me so.
don’t get me wrong, i’m not pregnant or anything. i just wish that i am at that point in my life where i can actually afford to raise a child. although, i am old enough to actually bring a new life into this world i don’t think i can, economically speaking. i’m practically living on allowances given by my parents. i guess it will come. for now, i’ll just content myself with pestering my neice.

hearing my favorite song on the radio…Figaro’s chocolate cake (have them heat it in the microwave until the caramel melts, yum!)…Figaro’s sandwiches (Sandwich ala Carlo and Grilled eggplant sandwich)…Coke light…Pasta! (especially Figaro’s pasta arrabiata, Chef de Angelo’s baked zitti)…Almon Marina’s roasted chicken…late afternoon walks around UP diliman…holding his hand…conversations over a cup of coffee…cut-price booksale ng National bookstore…hugs from Rome…Tagaytay, especially at night…a good book… a cd of my favorite songs…shopping!…having the time to watch videos…dark chocolate…french fries…McDonald’s twister fries…post duty status…the breakfast meals at Figaro…having the whole day to myself…having lots of time to sleep…sincere smile from a stranger…a compliment…kind words when i’m feeling down…seeing old friends again…Lucky me instant lomi…Pringle’s sour cream and onion…the red Chips Ahoy (chewy)…Fig Newtons…Yellow cab pizza…buying pencils for my pencil collection…quiet dinners with Rome (kahit sa Ministop pa yan)…my bed…my soft pillows…my favorite shows on TV and actually having the time to watch them…a loaf of ciabatta…lunch outs…inane conversations over beer…my niece keesha greeting me at the door…reading old letters from my friends…looking at old photo albums…looking at the pictures of my friends’ kids…wearing my favorite perfume…KDO instant coffee (the 3 in 1 mix)…Chocolate kiss’ eggplant parmigiana…belgian chocolates…Gloria Jean’s white chocolate oreo…Starbuck’s caffe mocha…Razon’s halo-halo…Chef de Angelo’s banana pecan cheesecake…those chocolate drinks from Max Brenner…having new sheets for my bed…finishing jigsaw puzzles.

sorry guys, had to remind myself to be thankful and not to complain all the time. it’s still a list in progress.

i have just recently a book for 4500 pesos, Williams 22nd edition. yes, i have finally accepted my fate. i’m beginning residency this december 12 (God, help me!). to pass the time, i tried reading it. i figured i would be so busy with work, i wouldn’t have time to read it. so, that’s how i got around to getting myself to study…for half a day i suppose. grabe! di ko na ata kaya mag-aral. super nakakatamad. it was just like getting myself to review for the boards again. while reading i can think of a number of things i have to do before i start residency and things i would rather be doing right now. i honestly don’t know how you guys would be reviewing for the USMLE.
today, i spent the morning looking at this formidable book i said i would finish before december. i don’t think mangyayari yun. but give any other book i can finish it in a day or so depending on the number of pages.
i really should start studying. natatakot akong makain ng buhay ng chief resident during her rounds at the AS or the LR. natatakot akong mapahiya sa harap ng interns habang binabato ka ng tanong and you cannot even answer one. i need to save face or baka pulutin ko na lang ang self-esteem ko sa sahig pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito.

last sunday, we were made to attend the POGS Olympics at LSGH. the first years warned me of these activities. once you get accepted you were going to be called to attend this and that activity and sometimes you have to dance, sing, or whatelse they need you to do. that POGS olympics i think would be the first of a series of activities we have to attend before we start on december 12. hay buhay! do i really have to? a first year resident told me, it is your initiation into the department. great! sorority ata ang sinalihan ko. ok lang sana kung marunong ako sumayaw. eh hindi! pwede bang patayin nyo na lang ako?! seriously. i don’t think i can dance even if it means saving my life. ha! the dillema.